A Fine Romance

If ever there was a pub suffering from an identity crisis, it was Harry’s. It inhabited an uncertain no-man’s land between regular boozer, fun-pub, and scaled-down disco.

We’d been coming ever since we were old enough to bluff our way past the bouncers. After leaving school, the habit had just stuck. There were better pubs in town, but somehow we still ended up in Harry’s every Wednesday and here we were again; in our usual corner, having a post five-a-side pint and yapping about the world and nothing in particular.

All of a sudden, it was as if someone had suddenly passed a high-voltage electric current through the stale, smoky air inside the bar. As she strolled past our table the normal flow of conversation dribbled to an embarrassing halt.

I didn’t for a moment think I had a hope in hell of even speaking to her. Girls like that have always lived in a separate universe. They were rare iridescent comets that lit up the sky only once a millennium before heading back into the dark depths of space or, as my mate Barry would put it: she was in the SPL while I was somewhere at the bottom of the third division.

She was with two friends. As I watched her approach the bar, it was as if I could see a weird light surrounding her. It rolled off her in waves that made my internal Geiger counter crackle with their intensity.

I felt as if I was in a stupid Hollywood romantic comedy. By rights there should have been some cool music playing in the background while she walked in slow motion but instead all I could hear was the Vengaboys banging on about their bloody bus coming.

I took a quick sip of my pint, letting the cold, fizzy lager bring me back down to earth. Doubts started to creep in. She was probably already seeing someone - she was too good-looking not to be.

‘Fuckin’ hell, did you see that?’ asked Kenny, bringing my navel-gazing to an abrupt halt with a violent nudge in the ribs.

‘Eh, aye.’ It was the best I could do - I was still choking on my lager and trying hard not to explode into a fit of coughing and spray beer all over the table. ‘No bad, eh?’

Kenny blew out a huge cloud of blue smoke from the Regal King Size he always seemed to have clamped in his right hand. ‘No fuckin’ bad!’ He screeched. ‘No fuckin’ bad! Talk aboot a fuckin’ understatement. Fir fuck’s sake Alan, get a grip o’ yersel, man!’

‘Aye, well I didnae mean it like that… its jist…’ I trailed off.

‘C’mon, Al. Yiv got tae admit that ye dinnae see a sight like that every day,’ Davey chipped in gesturing over in the direction of the three girls. There was a general rumble of agreement from everyone else.

‘Aye. But…’

‘But shite,’ said Kenny. He gave me that half-contemptuous, half-pitying look he seemed to reserve especially for me on occasions like this.

‘I tell you what Al, I wouldnae climb ower a pure fuckin’ ride like that tae get tae you anywey.’ 

He punctuated his words by stabbing the glowing tip of his fag in my direction.

If my blood wasn’t exactly boiling, it was at least starting to simmer ever so slightly. I knew that Kenny thought I was the runt of this particular pride of young lions while he, of course, was the Top Cat. He was full of piss and wind most of the time but I would never dare tell him that to his face.

‘Kenny, you ken fine well that’s just because you couldnae be bothered waitin’ in the queue behind yer ma.’

Everybody cracked up.

Kenny took another long draw on his fag. ‘Aye, I suppose that’s right enough,’ he began, ‘But what can ah say, man: she relies on your money tae pey her gas and electric every month.’

The table erupted again. With the moment of tension past, it looked as if normal service had resumed for the time being. My thoughts had been dragged kicking and screaming from the vision of loveliness I had witnessed and back onto Planet Lad. I drained the remainder of my pint in two long flowing gulps and motioned over to Barry who was nearing the bottom of his own glass.

‘Want another while I’m up?’

‘Aye, cheers Al.’ He began fumbling in his pockets.

‘Dinnae bother wi’ that, man,’ I said, standing up. ‘I’ll get these in. You can get me one back next round.’

‘Awright. Eh, cheers, man.’

‘S’awright.’

I extracted myself from the table and headed over the short expanse of polished wood floor towards the brightly lit bar. A listless assortment of disco lights lit my path, criss-crossing in arcs of unenthusiastic colour. For some reason they were always on - even though this was a mid-week night and the place wasn’t exactly choked with punters.

As I reached the bar, I couldn’t help but notice that she was also standing there. She had her back turned and was engaged in a lively conversation with her two pals that involved a lot of arm waving and giggling. I picked a spot a good few feet away from them and leaned against the rail. I tried to look interested in the flickering lights coming from the pinball machine over in the opposite corner. It wasn’t an easy task since I was also trying to catch the eye of the dour faced young lad serving behind the bar.

Finally, he finished cleaning glasses, or whatever it was he’d been doing rather than serve anyone and sauntered over.

‘Two pints of Stella please, mate.’ I began fishing in my pockets for money.

As I counted through the assortment of change in my hand, I decided that I was either going to have to knock it on the head early tonight or venture outside to the cash machine further down the street for a top up. I wasn’t relishing the prospect as it was pishing down with rain outside.

‘Excuse me,’ said a female voice from over my shoulder. ‘Are you Alan Bryce?’

‘Eh?’

Jesus! It was her. She was talking to me! What was I going to do? How did she know my name?

‘Are you Alan Bryce?’ she repeated as I turned around to face her. I gulped air like a stranded fish as I struggled to think of an answer.

‘Eh…that is… I mean …aye.’

‘You dinnae recognise me dae ye? We were at the same school - St. Joseph’s.’

‘We were?’ It was news to me. I tried to give her what I hoped was an enigmatic smile to try and cover the fact that I still didn’t have clue who she was.

‘Aye, well I looked a wee bit different then,’ she actually blushed when she said it. I kept looking at her, grinning my idiot grin and desperately groping for a name to go with her face. ‘Ah’ll gie you a clue,’ she continued, ‘I used to sit across from you in Mr. Spence’s geography class.’

Suddenly it all clicked into place.

‘Shona Cameron!’ I remembered her now. Shona had been this wee dumpy bird. She’d sat across from me right enough but as far as I could remember we had barely exchanged more than a dozen words during the entire four years we had spent languishing in auld Spenny’s class. ‘But… you used to be…’ I fumbled for a polite way of putting it

‘…Bigger?’ she said, finishing my sentence. ‘I know. Like I said, I’ve changed a bit,’ there was a slightly embarrassed laugh as she said it. Already I was starting to hate myself for bringing the subject up.

‘Well, I suppose we aw change as we get older,’ I told her, trying not to let the hole I’d started to dig get any deeper.

‘Are you still gaunae be wantin’ these, mate?’

It was the humpty-faced barman. Fuck, I’d completely forgotten about the two pints I’d ordered several years before. I mumbled a flustered apology while I counted out my money onto the wet surface of the bar. The wee scrote actually had the cheek to stand there, drumming his fingers while I did it. I ignored his sullen glare as he picked up the money and turned again to face the lovely Shona.

‘So, anyway, I huvnae seen you in ages what’ve you been up tae?’ That didn’t sound too bad, I thought to myself. Just about the right amount of curiosity and enthusiasm.

‘Oh you know, this and that,’ she smiled again, setting off a mini fireworks display in the pit of my stomach. ‘Actually, me and the girls are just back fae Uni for the holidays.’

‘Oh aye, whereabouts?’

‘Ower in Glasgow - I’m studying English.’ There was that smile again.

‘Aye, well you always were a smart one, right enough.’

‘What about you? What are you doing with yersel these days?’

Here it came: ‘Oh, I’ve been working along at Selectron fur the past year or so.’

‘Really. That must be interesting.’

‘No really,’ I admitted. ‘I just push buttons mostly - but the money’s awright, I suppose.’ She nodded sympathetically. ‘Actually,’ I added hastily, ‘I’ve been thinking about mibbe taking a course at the college masel.’ You lying bastard! I thought. At best, it was a half-truth. I’d only sent off for the prospectuses to get my mum off my back. They’d been lying gathering dust under my bed ever since.

‘Really?’ her eyes lit up. Maybe she didn’t think I was a dead loss after all. ‘Well you know what they say Alan - it’s never too late.’

‘Aye, right enough,’ I said.

‘What were you thinking about doing? ‘

‘Eh, I, that is…’ Oh fuck I didn’t have a clue what to say next.

‘Fuck’s sake Al I thought you’d got lost. I’ve been sitting ower there dyin’ ay thirst for the past quarter of an hour.’

I’d never been so glad to see Barry in my life. I could’ve kissed him. He clocked my new companions. ‘Awright, girls? Hope Al here wisnae boring yous too much.’ I winced, Barry’s patter was even worse than my own. Still, I realised, it could only make me look better by default.

‘Dinnae be such a tool Barry, d’ye no mind Shona fae school?’

Barry’s double take was mercifully discreet as his mind applied the stored image of Shona against the one standing in front of him. ‘Eh, aye – you were in ma Biology class.’

‘Aye, that was me,’ Shona said. ‘I remember you were the entertainment on an otherwise dull Wednesday afternoon wi ‘Greasy Joe’ dropping his pencil so he could hae a peep up the lassie’s skirts.’

Barry gulped his Stella and nodded vigorously. ‘It’s a wonder that auld perv kept his job. Everyone reckoned he kept a stash of porn in his book cupboard ‘cos he used to disappear in there for ages then come oot with a big cheeser on his face.’

Shona laughed. The sound she made felt like someone tiptoeing on the surface of my heart. I was standing there grinning like an idiot and desperately trying to think of a way to re-insert myself into the conversation.

‘School days, eh. The happiest days of yer life they say…’ I began.

Barry blew a raspberry. ‘Pfftt! Wouldnae go sae far as that, ken. Ah couldnae wait tae leave that dump.’

‘Wisnae all bad though,’ I countered. We used to have some good laughs.’

‘Suppose so. Whit about you?’ he said, pointing at Shona.

‘I think I’d huv tae agree with Alan,’ she said. ‘It had its moments right enough.’ She looked right at me with her hazel eyes and I felt my insides melt like ice cream.

‘Ach, each tae their own I suppose,’ said Barry sipping thoughtfully on his pint. He shot me a quick look. ‘Anywey,’ he continued, ‘ah’ve goat what ah came here fur. If you pair will excuse me ah’m gonnae head back ower tae the lads. Nice meeting you again Shona.’

‘Likewise.’

As Barry sauntered back over to the table Shona and I looked at each other. There was a yawning moment of uncertainty filled only by the low rhythmic murmur of the jukebox in the corner.

‘So, d’you come here often then?’ she said finally breaking the spell. She smiled as she said it. Surely, she was having a wee joke.

‘Are you trying tae chat me up?’ I laughed, hoping of course that she was.

She gave an exaggerated wink and moved a step closer towards me. She put on an exaggerated Mae West voice: ‘Play your cards right shugar and you might just find out.’ A polite waft of perfume or body spray drifted past my nostrils and I could feel my pulse jump several notches as I breathed it in. This couldn’t be happening to me.

‘Shtick with me schweetheart and we could go places,’ I said, doing my best Humphrey Bogart. My best wasn’t all that good – I sounded like Sean Connery with a head cold - but she laughed anyway.

We talked. It was incredible. It was as if something had finally clicked into place in my head. I’d never felt like this before with a lassie. Shona just seemed to be on my wavelength. She got all of the wee remarks that normally flew over the likes of Kenny’s head. There was a connection I was sure of it.

‘So, d’you still want to go places?’ she said eventually.

‘What about yer pals ower there?’

‘Och, they’re big enough to look after themselves without my help. They’re planning on heading to a club later for the dancing but I’m not that fussed to tell you the truth. They’ll no mind me heading off on my own. D’ye fancy going somewhere else?’

‘Like where?’

‘I dinnae ken really, just oot. Ah’m enjoying myself. I fancy getting awa’ from this place and maybes do a bit more catching up.’

‘Ok, you’re on,’ I told her. ‘Just give me a minute to make my excuses to that shower over there.’ I gestured over to the rest of the lads. They did their best to project studied nonchalance as if they hadn’t been watching the situation develop with interest since Barry had gone back over to them.

‘Ok, I’ll go get my coat,’ she said.

The words hung in the air for a moment as we both heard the clang of one of the oldest pulling clichés in the world ring out. Our eyes met and we both burst out laughing.

‘Aye well, if you’re getting your coat maybe ye’d like to borrow 10p to phone your Ma as well while you’re at it.’

Shona punched me on the arm. Stars exploded in my head at her touch. ‘My Ma says I’m old enough to look after masel thank you very much,’ she said.

‘Ah’ll just have to take her word for it, I suppose.’

I took a big gulp of Stella and headed over to the lads.

Kenny flashed a wolfish grin. ‘If you dinnae get a ride aff her by the end of the night dinnae bother showin’ your face around me again ya poof. Gie her ma number instead if she’s lookin’ fur a real man.’

I wondered what Julie his girlfriend and his wee lassie would think if they could hear him talking like that.

‘Dinnae take any notice of him,’ said Barry. Seriously, man - well played n’aw that. That Shona bird’s a real cracker. I hope it goes awright fur ye.’

‘Cheers man,’ I told him. Kenny might have been a mate but this is why Barry was a friend. I winked at him. ‘I’ll gie you a bell the morra.’

‘Cool.’

I grabbed my jacket and shrugged it on over my shoulders before downing the last of my Stella. I clunked the empty glass down onto the table.

‘See yous later guys,’ I said and walked over to the door.

Shona reappeared, ‘Shall we take a stroll and enjoy the evening air kind sir?’ she asked, taking my arm in hers.

‘Aye, let’s go outside.’

We turned and walked out of Harry’s and into the night.

‘You know,’ I said, slipping into Bogey one last time, ‘this could be the shtart of a beautiful friendship.’

- THE END -